Church Of The Poison Mind

Fancy getting a tattoo? Anyone? Surely, us self-involved, image-obsessed gays are always up for a spot of body adornment. You only have to stroll down any street in any queer district in any city around the world and you’ll see an endless procession of men and women in tight tit-tops sporting some skin ink. That’s how fashion-forward us fags are.

I’d wager, though, our fashion-forwardness stops short of getting ‘Fellatio Kills’ tattooed onto our chins – or any other body part for that matter – primarily because it might dissuade potential paramours from popping their penises in our mouths, but also because it’s a frankly scary suggestion that has come care of a clearly caring homophobic clergyman. Yes, what a shocker. A bigoted man of the cloth. Who’d have thunk it? You’d think with all the paedophiles and tortured closet cases in the cloisters they’d have enough to ponder on without firing vile bile in our delicate direction.

But obviously The Church Of England’s Reverend Peter Mullen, 66 (remember that number for later) believes we need to be Sat Nav’d onto the road to righteousness. Writing in his blog this week, he mused, “It is time that religious believers began to recommend… discouragements of homosexual practices after the style of warnings on cigarette packets.” Well, I suppose some men are as bad for us as smoking, but that ranting Reverend just had to take it one step too far. “Let us make it obligatory for homosexuals to have their backsides tattooed with the slogan ‘SODOMY CAN SERIOUSLY DAMAGE YOUR HEALTH’ and their chins with ‘FELLATIO KILLS.’” (Note he doesn’t even mention lesbians; he’s so out of touch he probably doesn’t even think they exist.)

Apart from the patent untruthfulness of both proposed brandings – as we all know blowjobs are bloody marvelous and, with the right lube, knocking on the back door has its own unique charms – where does a man who purports to spread the benevolent word of God get off spouting such steaming manure?

And herein lies my rub with the Rev. It’s not the fact he’s unquestionably a lifelong bigot – that’s a given – but rather that he’s virally putting his views into the public domain. This may shock you, but I actually defend his right to be homophobic. People can be racist, sexist, homophobic, whatever, in private and in their own head – after all it’s impossible to police personal thoughts Minority Report-style – but you can’t go town-crying jaundiced, outmoded opinions all around the place for everyone to hear. That’s a little thing called incitement to hatred and it’s actually a crime, not a delightful blog entry.

I’m not saying being a racist, a misogynist or a homophobe is what any right/kind-thinking human being should aspire to, but what I am saying is we can’t legislate for what goes on in peoples’ cold hearts and empty minds. All we can use the law for is making sure people like Reverend Mullen are prevented from poisoning the public with their preachings of humiliation and hate.

So, back to the number 66. While completely condemning Reverend Mullen’s internet outburst, a few media outlets have cited his age as a possible reason for his lack of homo-friendliness. By that reasoning, then, shouldn’t we forgive older people who think anyone of ethnic origin should be corralled like cattle into separate out-of-sight communities, or smile benignly at those old duffers who think women are merely chattels for serving and pleasuring them? Of course, we shouldn’t. Age has nothing to do with it because if you’re a member of an organisation that has public influence – and despite our increasingly secularised society The Church still has considerable reach hence my subconscious upper-case use – you have an obligation to keep abreast of the culture you’re part of and represent no matter how old you are. The thing with Mullen being 66, though, is all you have to do is add another 6 and you’ve got a right old apt Biblical reference on your hands.

Really we should pity the poor poofter-bashing fool. I mean tattooing gays isn’t even an original idea. The Nazis wanted to do it, but settled for using a fabric pink triangle to identify and ostracise us instead. And those Tweedledum-Tweedledee dunderheads, Reagan and Thatcher, thought skin-stamping people with HIV was the best way to combat the hysteria surrounding the epidemic during the ’80s early days. At least, Mullen could have come up with some new plan to degrade and dehumanise us.

And the Rev’s response to the media storm he’s stoked? A full apology and a statement claiming he “did not intend to cause offence when I made some joking remarks about homosexuals.” Huh? OK, next time I hear someone demeaning an entire social group I’ll just laugh my jocks off. Please. Give us some credit, you cretinous arrogant idiot.

Mind you, the loony Rev has made me think about getting a tattoo. Maybe ‘COCKSUCKING ROCKS!’ on my forehead. Whaddaya reckon?